if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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