It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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