Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
