Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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