Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
