Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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