When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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