Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
