the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
