i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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