Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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