Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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