just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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