I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
