Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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