Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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