in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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