My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
