Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
