Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
