The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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