if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
