Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
