My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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