So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
