I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's always time for handjobs
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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