nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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