some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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