just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
