I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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