is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
