I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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