it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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