Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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