I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
