you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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