How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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