dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
