So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.