I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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