dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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