you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
