This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
