I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
