She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
