Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
