i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
