Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
