Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
