Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
