I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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