I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
