Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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